Douchebags probably piss me off more than most anything else in the world. Especially cocky fuckers who call me "sweetie" in the street and automatically see women as inferior and things they can change and toss aside like dirty socks. I'm having a hard time dealing with a good friend who suddenly declined into this state last summer, but it's not as bad as random guys strutting along with their fellow douchebag friends in a big douchebag herd, all with the same swagger and shit-eating grin. When eyes meet, even if just for a moment, you can see into his narrow (yet still surprisingly vacant) mind and catch a glimpse of a distorted projection of yourself in the most degrading, delusional scenarios, and sometimes even sense right when he's going to verbally attempt something. I say "it's not as bad" because I don't have the opportunity to kick them in the balls later. My morning started with an encounter with one of these gentleman downtown, right after I dumped nearly all my change into a parking meter that suddenly said "Out of order, no parking" after I dropped in my last coin.
If I were smart, I discovered later when encountering a woman from Parking Services on the sidewalk, then I could have read the meter, dialed the phone number on there, explain what happened, and got free parking for a whole day. Instead, I re-parked somewhere and drained the rest of my change into the meter there, and after my much-needed haircut, went on a mini-odyssey for more change so I could stay and visit some stores downtown. I suppose I am glad I didn't get free parking all day, because then I would have gone from shop to shop, saying "This is neat, and reasonably priced..."
There's something askew in my brain. More often than I consider normal, I overlook glaringly obvious things. It reminds me of the part of The Phantom Tollbooth (I will never stop loving that book!) I read last night just before sleeping, with Alec Bings, the boy who sees through things: "I can see whatever is inside, behind, around, covered by, or subsequent to anything else. In fact, the only thing I can't see is whatever happens to be right in front of my nose." Example: the meter, which I didn't even look at, aside from the blinking "out of order" message. I just went "Shit." and drove to a new one. Another example: After my haircut, my stylist gave me her card. When writing the check, I asked "who do I make this out to?". The woman at the desk handed me another card. "Oh. Right."
Ah well. At least other people can look at me and go "wow, at least I'm not that dumb," or "I'm glad other people have moments like that too". Or they can think I'm stupider than I actually am, which can be cool sometimes if I want to startle someone with something smart. ...Which rarely happens.
Is there such a thing as a pessimistic optimist? I don't know how else to describe my perspective. I used to say it was "realistic", but that's just what pessimists say when they don't want to admit they're pessimists. I expect the worst but hope for the best. That way, when the best doesn't happen, I don't feel all that let down. It's kind of sad, but works alright, unless something happens that is even more tragic than my worst expectations, which just kind of throws me off my feet into a black hole. Not the "I drank so much that my memory and self control packed up and left for the night" black hole, but the black hole of despair. I expect you will hear much about both of these black holes in this blog.
