In my mom's words, the females in our family are "cursed with intelligence and too much feeling". For example, we know how illogical our depression is, but, unfortunately, that does not make it go away. We know (for the most part) what we should or shouldn't do in emotional times, what we need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier to actually do it.
I would almost rather be ignorantly happy.
On Wednesday I came home from class and had a little mini breakdown. I have certain mindsets where I simply cannot deal with stress, and I came home in one of those mindsets. I could hardly function. I would try to do homework, but after 45 seconds all the worries and anxiety would shove back into my consciousness. The situation was worsened by the knowledge that there is no fix for my head, and I will have to deal with my happiness-deficient mind for the rest of my life. It will always interfere with the relationships and responsibilities most important to me. It will always hold me back. Although, really, it's only myself holding me back, since it's an internal force, but at times it is so difficult to overcome. That's a great thought, too: All of these feelings are, really, my own fault.
I eventually got some shit done and skipped class the next day to recover. Also, because I had no motivation to leave my bed. That's been happening more frequently these past few months; I just see no reason to even wake up, because I doubt I'll enjoy much of my day. Or when I am awake, I look forward to when I can sleep next so that I can escape from reality and let my mind roam free (Needless to say, I nap a lot). I tend to experience especially dreary emotions in the winter seasons, so hopefully I'll start feeling better as spring arrives.
Until then, or maybe always, I need to keep all these things in my mind:
It's not really that bad.
This rut will pass.
Nobody's perfect.
Yesterday, my mom was in town. I spent some time with her then, as well as some today. It was refreshing to speak with someone who can relate, someone more experienced with these situations who can give me advice. Someone who won't judge me, and who loves me unconditionally. That's a feeling I've missed dreadfully since departing for college. I am surrounded by some pretty good friends, and a lovely boyfriend, but at my core, I'm still pretty lonely. I know that if I was entirely honest with them about my feelings all the time, they wouldn't stick around, or at least they'd be significantly further away. It's one of the major concerns I have about my relationship with Nik (my boyfriend): I don't think he's even capable of understanding what I feel sometimes, and if he was exposed to it, he might haul ass away from his crazy girlfriend.
I wanted to ask my mom how she ended up with my dad. They seem so different. He is very quiet and simple, while my mom is emotionally complicated and much more abstract. They seem like a strange match, but have been together apparently happily for 20-something years. It gives me a little hope, since it is similar to my relationship with Nik, which I am frequently discouraged with.
Nik is emotionally quite simple and hardly ever expresses his feelings. It's a pretty shitty match for someone like me, who is emotionally, er, overabundant, I guess, and depends a lot on expression. Since I'm not sure what he's comfortable with, I try to mostly limit myself to the amount of feely-things, and sorts of feely-things, that he says. Which is basically "I miss you" and "I wish we were cuddling right now" (We live in different parts of the state, and have very little in common). When we're together, he says he is happy. He's said "I love you" a few times in the 10 months we've been together, but it's either been when he's drunk, or it seemed like it was an accident, so I try not to look too much into it. I'm not sure if he's even worked out his own definition of what love is. I'm not going to bring it up. I don't want to freak him out.
Sometimes, when he senses my discouragement with the relationship, he clumsily says something like "I hope you know how much you mean to me." "I have sort of a vague idea," I've said. Knowing that I am significant to him at all should be enough to stifle my concerns with the relationship, but it doesn't. I don't expect any more out of him, though. It's just the way he is, and I'm struggling to adapt. He expresses himself in other ways, physically -- Pretty much always, he instigates the sexual aspects and I instigate the feely-talk. (Sounds typical.) I wouldn't mind, except that most of the time, we are physically apart. He doesn't say much over the phone, and I am lost in my thoughts, over-analyzing things in an attempt to deduce on my own what he feels. My logic is biased by my pessimism, leaving me with depressing answers.
Part of me has always thought we're doomed to fail. Of course, that's typical of me, but in this case, the end has always felt right around the corner. "I can't take anymore heart-wrenching goodbyes", I frequently think, "Soon it won't be worth the distance", "I can't stay so emotionally unfulfilled much longer", etc. We've talked about these types of things and basically ended up with "Welp, I sure hope we don't break up." Sometimes I wonder how we're still together. I think it's because right when I get really discouraged, he squeezes out a little emotion and renews my faith for a little longer. He's said in the past, "I worry that you're only with me until you find someone better." I have worried the same thing about him. Maybe that's what it is, but I'd like to think it's actually something special we share.
I'm visiting him this Wednesday for a few days. I just visited him last weekend, but since I probably won't be able to visit him again until the end of the quarter, which is far too long for me to bear, I'm driving out to see him again while I have the opportunity to. He has no car and can never come visit me. Kind of sucks, but that's just how it is. (I guess that phrase can be applied to my whole life.) Last time I visited, we had an emotional discussion where he said he still can't read me. I've heard that a lot from people. It's probably due to how I conceal certain feelings, as I've said earlier. Growing up through high school, I worked hard on being unreadable. When people know what I feel without me telling them, it puts me in a vulnerable situation. I just need to figure out how to turn it off sometimes. It probably has to do with trust, which I basically only have for my family.
Ugh. I'm tired of thinking.
